Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Nice People, or, I'm Sick and Hardly Coherent

Why do they call shopping carts trolleys in the UK? I don't understand.

That's not the point of this post at all, I'm just curious.

Here's the point, I cut my hair. Then I dyed it.

No, that's not the point. What is the point of this? I'm so confused...

Aah, yes, I went to the grocery store. That's not the point, but it's on the way.
Because I have a quite alternative haircut now, I get some interesting looks. You know the sort, that judging look people give when someone makes them uncomfortable. I personally enjoy making the general populace uncomfortable. Somebody has to do it.

That said, I stop by the grocery store near my house two or three times a week and get plenty of looks. It really interests me, seeing how quickly people form opinions of each other based on first impressions. Today as I was heading out of the store, I grabbed my two bags of groceries and went to put my cart away (I used to work at a grocery store, I try to make life easier for those unlucky enough to still work at grocery stores). A portly older woman headed toward the row of carts--the type who generally gives me those looks--turned around and said "oh, if you're not using that, I'll take it honey".

She called me honey. Yes, hard hearted cynical soul that I am, that made me smile. I told her she was welcome to it, and to have a great day.

It's good to realize that there are kind people in the world too.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Life's a Bitch (a note to myself)

I think, when you really love someone, you love her enough to let her go if that’s what is best for her. You love her enough to trust her to do what is right for her. Because when you really love someone, you want to know she is happy and healthy more than you want to see her face.
That doesn't make it hurt any less, but it makes the hurt mean something.
Laugh it off Lizzy girl, be the cynic once more. It was fun, not being alone, but every woman fights alone when it comes to the marrow of the matter. 
Make the pain worthwhile. Write a lonely book. Life's a bitch and she doesn't pull her punches, you ought to know that by now.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Pressing On (And "The Secret of Kells")

Today I wrote. Really wrote. More than a sentence, more than a couple paragraphs, I wrote a page and a half (yes, only a page and a half...) and the story began to move forward.
It was a good writing day. There are good writing days, and bad writing days, but as long as all days are writing days I feel like I'm making progress.

Now I've settled down and I'm watching "The Secret of Kells". I absolutely adore this movie. The animation is stunning, the duality of the story is something I've always loved about Celtic tales--and mythology in general.

It's the sort of movie I get lost in, so beautiful it makes me want to cry. Someday I hope to create stories as beautiful as this one.

A good writing day ended with a good story, good all 'round.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Be Brave

It's hard to be brave. To be honest, I'm not even sure what bravery even is sometimes.. Is being brave the opposite of being afraid? Is it not showing fear? Not being controlled by fear? Is it using the fear? Perhaps bravery isn't even connected to fear in the way I've always thought it was.

I am certain though that being brave does not mean getting rid of fear. Perhaps being brave means trusting myself. Perhaps being brave means trusting myself enough to stand up again, to walk on, walk on, walk on. If that's the case, then being brave is the only way to get anywhere.

Be brave, whoever you are. Be brave.

Saturday, March 9, 2013


Yesterday was great. The sun came out, which in the Pacific Northwest in March is sort of a big deal. We had some adventures, we laughed, we cried, we ate strawberries and drank chilled mint tea in the park.

Sometimes, when life is really hard, it feels like you're shipwrecked in the dark. No matter how dark it gets though, there are always islands of light. I'm learning, slowly but surely, to trust the light. To trust God. To trust love.

I've been abandoned before, I've been let down and I've given my heart away to people who could never return my love (haven't we all?). It can  be hard to trust--even somebody I love and who loves me back--but I'm learning.

This whole coming out experience, keeping love alive under fire, dealing with hate and homophobia, learning to trust, learning to forgive, learning to let go of what I can't control-- it feels like I'm stumbling from one small island of light to the next. As time goes on and people come to accept us, the shadows will be fewer and further between, and for now I'll hold on to what I can.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I Suck at Optimism (And, hey, a rainbow!)

I'm a bit of a wreck today. Tomorrow (with luck) I get to see my girlfriend for the first time in almost two weeks. For the first time since certain folks had a fundamentalist hissy fit and decided to put up an iron curtain. If this date goes over well with said certain folks, it could mean a huge step forward.

I'm very bad at looking forward to things. In a reaction to the fact that I am a dreamer and a really unrealistic optimist I have trained myself to cut down all expectations for things I desire. When I want something, I tell myself over and over how I'm never, no how no way ever at all going to get it.

So for the past few days I've been running over all the horrifying ways in which this date could go wrong. Again, and again, and again. Letting go of anxiety is not really one of my strong points either. Now, to be clear, this date going wrong has nothing to do with the relationship between me and my girlfriend. Mostly it's my fear of sitting in my car waiting for her to appear while certain folks keep that from happening. I'm bringing "Ash" by Malinda Lo to read during that harrowing wait (haha! Take that iron curtain. I'm not passive aggressive at all).

A while ago, the sun was going down. The sky was clear to the west, and the sun was almost painfully bright, but in the east a heavy blanket of cloud was rolling in over the trees. It's an oppressive sight. I felt like the clouds were coming to crush me, and with all the anxiety mingling with my excitement over the date tomorrow and everything that could go so horribly wrong.

Then I saw a rainbow, stretching between two of the trees. Suddenly everything a rainbow stands for in the gay community crashed into everything a rainbow means in Christianity, equality, pride and the promise of peace and protection. Most of my anxiety just drained right out of me.

I'm still a bit of a mess, but, I'm hanging on to that rainbow.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Stress and the Creative Process

How's that for a professional sounding title? The other option was "I Hate Everything Today" and that didn't seem very uplifting.
But, you know what, I'm not feeling super uplifted right now. I can't write. I haven't been able to for almost a week, maybe more. There's too much turmoil in my life right now. I hear a lot about artists and their melancholy dispositions, but writing takes serious mental effort and unless I can get myself to a place of relative calm I can't do the basic work of putting one word after another.
I've made the tiny goal of one sentence a day. I have to keep going, despite the turbulence in my personal life right now.
Today's sentence:

"She got to her feet and shrugged."

High art, isn't it! Next thing you know I'll be hanging up my Nobel prize (do you hang those up?).
What about you? How does your mood and personal life affect your art? Are you like me, where the artistic work needs calm and detachment? Or are your masterpieces cathartic outpourings from the depths of despair? Or can you work anytime, anyhow?

Saturday, March 2, 2013

This and All?

I've never been able to run a blog longer than a few posts before. Let's see what happens with this one.

My life has been insane lately. But more than ever I feel the need to connect, to speak, to understand others.
I came out to my family a few weeks back, along with my girlfriend. My parents, while blatantly disagreeing with my point of view, have overall been kind and supportive. Her parents, less so.

It's been rough, and we're fairly cut off from one another at the moment, but we're moving forward. We've both decided to give it a few weeks before we start seeing each other again. Give things time to heal. It's painful, feeling so alone. It's also exhilarating, finally being the person you have always been inside. The mess of course has turned my life upside down, and I've hardly been writing at all. That's life though, it'll straighten itself out.