Thursday, March 7, 2013

I Suck at Optimism (And, hey, a rainbow!)

I'm a bit of a wreck today. Tomorrow (with luck) I get to see my girlfriend for the first time in almost two weeks. For the first time since certain folks had a fundamentalist hissy fit and decided to put up an iron curtain. If this date goes over well with said certain folks, it could mean a huge step forward.

I'm very bad at looking forward to things. In a reaction to the fact that I am a dreamer and a really unrealistic optimist I have trained myself to cut down all expectations for things I desire. When I want something, I tell myself over and over how I'm never, no how no way ever at all going to get it.

So for the past few days I've been running over all the horrifying ways in which this date could go wrong. Again, and again, and again. Letting go of anxiety is not really one of my strong points either. Now, to be clear, this date going wrong has nothing to do with the relationship between me and my girlfriend. Mostly it's my fear of sitting in my car waiting for her to appear while certain folks keep that from happening. I'm bringing "Ash" by Malinda Lo to read during that harrowing wait (haha! Take that iron curtain. I'm not passive aggressive at all).

A while ago, the sun was going down. The sky was clear to the west, and the sun was almost painfully bright, but in the east a heavy blanket of cloud was rolling in over the trees. It's an oppressive sight. I felt like the clouds were coming to crush me, and with all the anxiety mingling with my excitement over the date tomorrow and everything that could go so horribly wrong.

Then I saw a rainbow, stretching between two of the trees. Suddenly everything a rainbow stands for in the gay community crashed into everything a rainbow means in Christianity, equality, pride and the promise of peace and protection. Most of my anxiety just drained right out of me.

I'm still a bit of a mess, but, I'm hanging on to that rainbow.

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